There is something in the very presence and actuality of a thing to make one able to bear it; but a man may weaken Himself for bearing what God intends for him to bear by trying to bear what God does not intend him to bear…We have no right to school ourselves to an imaginary duty. When we do not know, then what He lays upon us is “not to know.”
-George MacDonald
I find myself in a season of confusion. A season defined not by light, but by a cloud. I cannot see my way forward and I do not know what God is doing. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to believe.
I don’t know.
These three words have defined my summer. And as a planner, as someone who likes having order and structure in their life, it’s been beyond frustrating. Certainly I have seen ways here and there where the Lord has been moving. But just as someone can still hear footsteps in the darkness, it does not provide much more clarity to the situation.
And so I’ve prayed. I’ve prayed long and hard for God to reveal Himself. For Him to show me what to do, where to go, what His will is for my life. Because surely God wants me to know such things. He wants me to have some sense of direction so I can get moving. So I can get on obeying.
Then I ran across the quote at the top of this post, and it hit me: The Lord has spoken. He has revealed His will. He has given me my assignment.
My task is “not to know.” To tread through the darkness is my mission. To be still in the silence is my command.
This is no easy task for sure; but what a lesson it has been. MacDonald begins his quote by saying, “…a man may weaken himself for bearing what God intends him to bear by trying to bear what God does not intend him to bear…”
So much of our anxiety, frustration, and weariness in the trials of our faith are because we have spent all our energy on doing things God has not told us to do, therefore we are unable to do the things He does want us to do. We are not able to take up our cross because we have already placed a separate weight upon ourselves which was never part of God’s intention.
For me, I was working so hard to know, to understand, and to discover the next steps of my life that I became too weak for the one task God has given me at this point in time – “to not know.”
God has asked me to be still, to come to terms with not understanding what is going on, and to know that He is God, and I am not. When I rest in that, I will find my strength renewed. I will have the strength “to not know.”
Curious Faith 